Hands up who wants to hear a litany of woe? Are you sitting comfortably...

It rained heavily yesterday. Me like sun, me no like rain.

Mrs Receding Hairline* and I both came down with a bout of minor food poisoning and spent the day within easy reach of the khazi.

Due to some spectacularly bad financial management, I'm currently over my overdraft limit. It's 19 days till pay-day. I came away from the reluctant cash machine thinking some rotter must have fraudulated me, guv, but no, apparently I really am this bad with money. Worst of all, Bank of Scotland are the very devil when it comes to bank charges. I did try get in touch to plead for leniency in this regard, but the very nice Scottish wifey calmly refused. Some people would say that threatening to make her life and the life of anyone she has ever cared about a waking nightmare might have been taking things too far, but I disagree. You can't be too nice to these people. Violence and intimidation is the only language they understand. And, in some cases, Urdu.†

My beloved iBook is definitely on its last legs. It crashed twice today – unheard of – taking large chunks of unsaved data with it each time. 'Inconvenient' doesn't begin to describe this. 'Really, really piss-titty-hellhole infuriating' just about begins to describe it, but doesn't quite have the requisite sense of throbbing, homocidal bile to it that I'm feeling right now.

Go to bed, everyone – what are you doing up at this time?


* ...who has a full head of shiny, manageable hair, I'm contractually-obliged to point out.
† This is, I realise, very close to being your actual racism. I edited it out and typed it in again several times over. Let history judge me, I say.